404 Faith & Foolishness

Faith & Foolishness

At the end of the day, both my wife and I will be unemployed. At this point, I don’t know if I’m walking in faith or foolishness.

Three months ago we moved to Charlotte with the goal of me leaving a job in ministry and going back into corporate America and my wife quitting her job to be a full time mom. We prayed about it, felt peace about it, received many confirmations about it and headed out on an adventure.

For the most part, it’s been amazing. We love the city. We love the food. We found an amazing church. Katie and I have been more unified then ever before in our marriage. Our little boy is growing up faster than we could have imagined.

But it’s been 3 months and I haven’t had so much as a single phone interview. Not. One. Interview. And today is my wife’s last day working remotely at her job. And now is when things get real.

I’d be lying if I said that my faith was as strong as ever and I’m not up all night worrying if we’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. I don’t like to talk about it because I’m prideful and I don’t want to ask for help. I also don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me because, as it turns out, I do a fine job of that all on my own.

I feel like a walking contradiction, especially after my last post about safe faith. Not only am I worrying obsessively, but I’m making myself feel bad for not having MORE faith.

I get annoyed whenever someone asks “How’s the job search going?” Like seriously annoyed because, guys, if something changed I WILL TELL YOU. I mean, it’s really ALL I think about so yeah, I promise you won’t have to ask when I get an interview and especially if I get a job offer.

But it’s not their fault, they mean well. Everyone else has tons of faith for my situation. I know that feeling. I’m the most confident person for someone else but when it comes to my life, I’m a wreck. THIS is why I hate taking risks. Because I hate having to depend on anyone else. It’s so much easier to just do it on my own.

At the same time, I realize how unhealthy and isolating that is. I do it in my marriage all the time. Except the confident facade doesn’t work on my wife. She sees everything and she knows as soon as something is off. And honestly I hate it because I just want everyone to leave me alone. Keep your encouragement and platitudes to yourself. Let me feel sorry for myself in peace!

But reluctantly, I’m learning something through all this. I’m fighting it with every ounce of my being but I’m learning that the risk isn’t the foolishness. Trusting in someone else isn’t foolishness.

The real foolishness is thinking I can control my situation.

It’s foolish to try to minimize risk and hurt and disappointment. It’s foolish to think I don’t need help or encouragement or a strong rebuke for feeling sorry for myself.

And every day I have to remind myself to get the right perspective. Honestly, many days are a wash. Sometimes I get my hopes up, only to grasp at a mirage.

But some days I just sit with my little boy and look over to my hopeful wife and I’m reminded that I’m blessed. I’m reminded that my wife loves me and believes in me and has promised to stand with me and weather any storm that we face.

It’s then that I walk on with this tiny bit of faith I have left. It might look like walking in foolishness or maybe it actually is, but at least I’m not walking alone.

Comments

  1. Hi Tony, I have never been to this blog before, not to mention you have no idea who I am. But just when I got thinking of the line between faith and foolishness, I landed into your blog.
    Thank you so much for sharing what most of us struggle with every now and then. I must say this has been helpful and I hope to continue following your posts. Praying for you and your family.

  2. Cheri hartman says:

    Tony, just think of the opportunities you are giving God to show up for you. Ask Him what He wants to be for you in this circumstance that He could not be at any other time. I have been where you are and know He never disappoints. Every situation, each circumstance is an invitation to go deeper into relationship with Papa.

  3. Sou proud of you for being honest…with yourself and others. Jesus is trustworthy. He is faithful. Walk confidently in what you believe God has spoken to you (your move)…or as confidently as you can. It is funny, we all have faith ‘when it is for someone else.’ I guess He is teaching us all to stand…IN HIM. Love you both and will pray for you as the HS brings you to mind. You guys are great!

  4. Stephen Martin says:

    How’s that job search going? LOL – Praying for you guys. Know exactly where you are and how it feels – even the part where I am in my pajamas holding my son and looking at my wife and thinking to myself, “am I so blessed right now. I don’t want to screw this up.” Anyway, Love you guys.

  5. Bill Hanifin says:

    Tony, Samuel message tonight worth a listen. It will make sense and I hope encourage you. You are fighting the good fight. Bill

  6. I don’t think u know me. I know ur mom and Bob. I’m Gaby mom :). We been in ur shoes many times. Doing and learning what u r doing. One thing I can tell u is God is never late. If u r doing His will He will show up on a amazing way when He knows is the right time. The only thing I can tell u is pray this will increase ur faith and prevent u from going crazy. Oh another thing keep loving the woman that God gave u. God bless u and ur fsmily. The victory is your awaiting on that corner!!!

  7. azucena says:

    Hit me up for some resume and search tips. Happy to help. Hugs to you, Katie and MR. Baby!

  8. This post is very interesting. It reveals a very vulnerable yet abstract side of you while allowing you to stay level on a slippery slope of faith. In a way, this post is a confession. A relief. A way of solace.

    This post is empowering, for me at least, because is shows us a part of ourselves that we already know, a part that we struggle with every day, a part of us that we wish we didn’t need — faithlessness. I’m glad that’s a real word, because I’ve never used it before and I didn’t feel like correcting it.

    Faithlessness, I think, is necessary. I think it’s the strongest fiber of a fabric or cable that links certain aspects of our lives – family, friends, decisions, hopes, dreams, and everything in between. It’s the strongest because it is this faithlessness that convinces us that we are not alone, that we are, in fact, struggling, hoarding, and hiding the very thing that we choose not to have — faith. And for a while, even a moment… that’s encouraging.

    So, thank you for this post and I wish you and those closest to you, only the best.

    • Thank you for this thoughtful response. The idea of faithlessness is one I’ve always wanted to run from. But in this season, I’m embracing it in an effort to reach out to others rather than disappear into myself. This was really encouraging.

  9. Dude, seriously praying for you guys. You’ve probably had offers already, but if you need resume help, hit me up. I review a lot at my own job, and may have a thing or two to contribute.

    Peace!
    mo recently posted..New Holiday Toon – A Decemberween Mackerel

  10. Dave DeRosa says:

    Tony, Stand Fast Brother and Witness the Deliverance of the Lord. I know that sounds cliched, but I understand you. You are not alone in walking this way and God never fails those who put their Faith in Him. Don’t be surprised if deliverance doesn’t manifest the way that you might think. It will and you may not understand it until after it’s all over. Praying for you brother.

  11. Tony

    Oh my gosh – I had no idea when you and Katie moved to Charlotte that it was sans job. It’s funny – y’all have been on my heart off and on – especially the day you moved – I texted you letting you know I was praying – not sure if y’all got it? Anyway – the best question I was ever asked when I hit a wall like this years ago was “HOW can I help you?” — so I’ll ask you and Katie that now… How can we, your online community, help y’all during this time?

    In the meantime, I’m praying!

    Jenny
    JennyRain recently posted..I See Trees Walking as Men

    • I didn’t get your text! I wonder what happened.

      Other than prayers, at this point I’m just looking for connections. If you know anyone in Charlotte, I would love to make a connection. The best way to get a job these days is through someone you know. Aaaand, since we don’t know too many people here, every connection counts!

      Thank you for caring about us, friend!

  12. Tony, I will be praying. Hard.

    I once went over a year without being able to find a job. I’ve been looking for a job that will cover my bills where I moved for over six months without a single interview.

    I don’t know why God chooses to give some trials that push you to the point you almost lose sanity. In my case, I think I may have. But I have to keep believing He has a plan for all of this.
    Jason recently posted..New Yorkers Indicted In Connecticut

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge